Friday, September 19, 2008

Dusty Hats & Pink Lipstick

Why do I need 2 blogs you ask? Well, I like pink, that is part of it. Our family blog is just that, family. It is where I wear my mommy hat and swing all day with the monkeys. Which I love, don't get me wrong. But, sometimes I long for a spot to sit and think or play dress up with the other hats in my collection that I haven't been able to wear in a while. Which brings me back to pink.

I have a friend (who at some point will read this and know exactly who she is) who loves pink almost just as much as I do. We agree that it makes us feel pretty and that you should almost always have a bit of it on somewhere. Even if it isn't visible to everyone else, it makes us feel pretty. It does something to my brain I think and it alters my reality. Quite honestly, I prefer this altered reality.

Every important day that I can remember, I have worn something pink. On my wedding day I wore the warmest, most pretty shade of pink lipstick I had ever seen. I was so worried about feeling pretty on that day that I had two sessions with a professional makeup artist to teach me to apply my makeup. She also custom made colors and we made that pink lipstick especially for me. I felt so pretty that day.

I am going to be honest and tell you that it has been a long time since I have felt pretty. I would love to say that it is just because I am a new mom and that I need to lose some baby weight but it has been longer than that. Do I think it is because I have forgotten to wear my pink? No, trust me I have tried. It is deeper than that.

At some point in my life and I am not sure where or when I began to associate pink with my beauty. If I went back to my strongest pink memory it would be my senior ball. It was the first time my Dad took me shopping and he took me to the nicest dress shop in our mall. The Jessica McClintock store, I will never forget. I found the most beautiful dress. It was pink satin with silver sequins on the top. It fit perfectly. I put it on and instantly I knew this was the one. I turned in front of the mirror and adored it and the reflection staring back at me. Then I saw the price tag. $130. I knew my dad wasn't going to go for it but I had to try.

I came out of the dressing room and turned around for Dad just as I had done in the mirror. I could tell he thought it was beautiful too. My Dad bought me that beautiful dress. On the day of the ball I had my hair done and slipped into my shoes that were dyed to match and my Dad told me I was beautiful.

I am realizing as I journal this right now that this moment was written into my heart for a purpose. I am desperate to hear my Daddy, The Daddy, tell me I am beautiful. A different kind of beauty, lasting beauty.

I think that I have missed the point here for way too long. All this time I have sought the beauty that reflects from a mirror and the emotion that "Pink" gives my heart. Right now it is gone and I can't summon it. I feel empty and let down. I am still in my maternity clothes, I don't get a shower every day and I can't stand to look at the pictures we snap that include me. I have worn my favorite pink socks with a hole in the toe and my favorite pink polka dot T-Shirt.

Empty.

On the day we were conceived, God did more than number the hairs on our heads. He created an intricate, living, breathing masterpiece. He is an amazing artist and inside each of us he stitched beauty. And the thread he used was desire. Deep in our being we all crave for our beauty to be seen and to feel desired. Even though it is stitched deep within us God has the same desire. A desire for our beauty to be seen and for it to bring Him glory. As an artist, he wants people to admire his work. To recognize it for the masterpiece He created it to be.

We each have gifts and talents that He has blessed us with. If you asked me what I thought mine were I would probably say singing, acting, writing, encouragement and friendship. As I look back these gifts have at different times in my life given me great fulfillment and a sense of accomplishment. The lasting, most valuable moments, have come when I was using these gifts to glorify my God. This brings me back to my neglected hats.
Today, I can say that the only gift I am actively using is my Mother's Instincts. All the rest are laying dormant and to be honest I am not even sure if I am putting Him first there. I want to be beautiful! I want this masterpiece to sing of it's Creator's glory.

So, I guess this is why I need the second blog. Any form of communication has always been therapeutic for me. (Spend 30 seconds in an elevator with me and you would know that!) But writing has often helped me connect a little deeper with myself and with God. Today, in front of of whoever decides to read this far, I commit to picking this hat back up and using it for the glory of my loving Savior.

Will I stop wearing pink? Heck NO! I will probably wear it more often and each time I do I will remember that God's desire for me to sing of His glory is what really makes me beautiful. Anyone else out there in blog land with me? If so, pick up your dusty hat and let's play dress up!

6 comments:

Christa said...

I so love this blog. It is definitely something that will be good for you and it will provide a great way for you to escape for a few moments. I love you so much and I think that you are already beautiful!!!

Teaching Hathaways said...

I miss you my Tracy!! I can't believe I haven't spent quality time with you in over five years. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. We miss you guys, and still want to come out to TN to see you if you'll have us. Mom, Rach and I!! I'm sorry we haven't been able to make it yet. :D Keep wearing your pink, and know that you are beautiful, and God is always there with you!! :D Love you Mrs. Pardee!!

Shannon said...

Tracy! Im excited about your new blog. You know I have alwaysed looked up to you and enjoyed your words of wisdom. I know you were venting and letting out alot of deep feelings, but this blog is very inspiring at the same time. I understand where your coming from. As women we all go through rough times of feeling beautiful. I too have some gifts I have not used myself lately. Thanx for helping remind myself. And encourging me to show off Gods masterpiece ME! Love you and I love Pink too!

Natalie said...

Oh my beautiful pink loving friend`!! I am so glad you have made time to get your blog together. Your heart is one worth sharing and I know the beauty I have always been able to see. Is going to be expressed through this as you write. I love you and look forward to reading all those deep, fun, dress up moments we need as Women of the King.
:) Your Pink loving friend!! :)N

Megan said...

Tracy,

I love that I am getting the chance to know you through such well-written (says the nerdy teacher in me) words of wisdom. I am always looking for moms to learn from and I really appreciate you taking the time to share! I have thought of you often as Marco will begin school at Expression in two weeks. It's scary (read: expensive) and exciting (Marco's dreams come true) at the same time. Can you tell me it will all be worth it? (; Is your husband glad he went there?

I hope you have a wonderful day. I always feel like a shower makes everything better-I don't know what I'll do when I have to de-prioritize it!

Take care,
Megan Balderas
megtarter@yahoo.com

origins pink said...

This made me cry, and I am sorry that I haven't read it before now because God so spoke to me through it. You are amazing my pink loving sister. I miss you so much it hurts my heart. I love you!